Once again this is a post that I started about a week ago and never published. I thought it was important to publish it because it tracks my progress.
Today I went to the gastroenterologist(stomach doc.) because of my continuing stomach problems. My weight was 135. That puts my BMI at 23.2 for those keeping track.
I have not been to the gym for at least a week now and feel really bad about that. Despite that I have lost a lot of weight purely with changing my diet because of my weird stomach situation. The doctor thinks I have a bum gallbladder, but no tests are conclusively showing that, as well as I have a freakishly high bilirubin count. Right now until more tests come back telling me whether I should remove my gallbladder or not I am on a very low, close to non-fat diet. I eat the same three meals everyday and hate it. I feel good health wise, but miss real yummy food. In fact I have kind of become scared of food. I'm terrified that any fat will make me sick again and boy was I sick. Laying on the bathroom floor- not carrying to take a shower- worse then having a baby sick... I don't know if any of y'all have been there, but man I don't want that again. So I'm torn I really crave a steak or cheeseburger, but that beloved burger it seems right now is no friend of mine and will make me really sick. So here I am...
Now I realize I should be happy to some extent that I am so close to my goal of 130Ibs., but the strange thing is... I'm not. I don't feel I earned it... the weight loss I mean. I haven't been going to workout and I'm only eating this way because physically I have too. I feel right now weak and sick and not strong or healthy. Kinda ironic. I'm at my lowest weight in years and it doesn't mean much. Plus it's weird people make such a big deal about the weight loss... "Wow, Tam you look great!!! Keep it up, whatever you are doing is working!!!" I have realized it's not about just that number or some BMI equation, but feeling strong and healthy and empowered. Empowerment I think is really what I'm missing. I felt empowered when I was choosing to exercise... I was getting out there and doing something good for my body. I wanted to eat more balanced and healthy because I was taking control and getting my health back. Now I feel like my body is doing it's own thing and I have no control over it. I want to get back to that feeling of strength and empowerment. So that's where I am right now... thought you might want to know.
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